Paper World

(Another extract from my journal.)

July 12th, 2014 (Canadian time zone)

The world is too big. So many faces I’ve seen, but I won’t even remember half of them.

We care so much about how people view us as, we forget to enjoy ourselves in the process. I try, I really do. But it’s been this way for so long, it’s hard to walk away and start again. But once you leave, it’s the best feeling in the world.

Sometimes I can’t help but wonder – am I a paper girl? Are we living in a paper world? We judge everyone’s appearances so much. Some deny it, but it’s something that just can’t be helped. Once we see someone do something we deem as unworthy, we give them an unworthy label, even if we have no idea about the person’s story. It’s programmed into us. And as the older we get, we forget that they’re human too, with thoughts and feelings. We focus on ourselves, because we are foreign, we feel foreign in other people’s shoes; and it’s all just too much for us. We are not fearless, we will never be; but some of us can be courageous.

That’s pretty much it. As you can see, I’m not exactly a happy person in my journal. But then, who are we to judge anyways? We all have our reasons in which we think it’s the right thing, or some of us are just too lost in the moment to realize. We’re to blame anyways, some may disagree, but as long as you’re involved, some part of you is to blame for what has happened. Because without you there, the event may not have occurred as it has. We will never know, and let’s hope we never find out. We cannot hide the truth forever. So do one thing today, tell someone, anyone, one truth that you have been worrying about. Whether it’s big or small, it might just lift up the weight off your shoulders.

Sincerely,

The Anon

Advertisements

Victory!!!

So we had our first soccer match today and we kicked the other team’s ass 6-0. Our coach told us to stop scoring after 6 to not let them feel horrible. Oops.

Other than that, it’s been pretty chill. Everything is so busy though and I’m a bit pissed at my roommate. Well, not really pissed but annoyed. The room stinks and I’m pretty sure it’s not my fault. Today, when I was on my way to my soccer match, my roommate took my shin guards that I left on the floor but she said it was hers because both of ours look the same. She told me the day before she couldn’t find them but she still insisted it was hers. I honestly wasn’t in the mood to argue so I went to buy another pair. It doesn’t seem like a big deal really, but I guess I’m holding a tiny grudge against that. Hopefully I’ll get over that.

Really there’s been nothing else interesting going on. I mean, it’s school. What’s supposed to happen? (Not anything that would really interest you.)

Yours sincerely,

The Anon

Stressed as Hell

I feel like an awful person. I haven’t blogged in so long. Well, at least in my standards. School is so annoying, during holidays you’re so bored and then when you get back to school you barely have any time to relax. The amount of homework I get at my new school is horrifying. There’s barely any time to complete it. Then add in my soccer practices and meetings, I almost have no free time.

But did I tell you? I’m in the JV soccer team! I’m so proud of myself, but I still got to improve if I don’t want to get cut. It would suck. I wish I have more news to add, but I don’t.

The stupid thing is at my boarding school is that they have this rule called ‘Lights out by 10:30’, which means exactly what it sounds. With the amount of homework we get there’s no way I can finish all of it by 10:30, it’s stressful. I only get back from soccer at 5:30 and I have to shower and eat. I’d like to sleep early, but I have my homework and grades to keep up with. It’s an ongoing conflict and I’m only a freshman! I don’t even want to imagine the work I’d get as a senior.

I actually have this essay I have to write for english right now, so I should really start that.

Sincerely,

The Anon

Settling In

I haven’t posted in so long. Sorry about that, I’ve been super busy.

So what happened was we got to New York a day later than we were supposed to. That was because we missed the flight by 20 minutes. The reason for that was the machine stopped working because we were (literally) a minute late and we had to line up for assistance. By the time it was our turn we were too late.

I love New York at night.

Moving on. 

Lady Liberty herself.

New York was everything I imagined it to be. It was just amazing. I recognized so many places from movies (friends with benefits) and tv shows (gossip girl). We went shopping every day from day to night, no stopping. My legs were about to fall off and I’m pretty sure I left my dad broke (oops!). We watched a broadway show (Pippin) on the last night and the atmosphere was incredible. Although the start was great, it went downhill after the intermission. I wasn’t too happy with that, but it was still good, I almost cried. (No kidding. I always wanted to go to New York and watch a broadway performance.)

 

Now I’m in school. The school’s breathtaking, but I don’t know anyone here. You see, I’m not a very sociable person. I’d rather have people approach me than the other way around and that’s not going to happen. I’m 30 minutes away from dinner time and my parents are out shopping. I really have no one to sit with, which is terrible. I know I should go and meet some people but I just can’t be bothered. But my roommate’s moving in tomorrow morning so hopefully that’ll get me somewhere.

Other than that, the school’s pretty amazing and I really love it, which is a great thing. So I’ll keep you guys updated on what happens, I’ve got a busy day tomorrow. Right now, I’m just going to try and make some friends. (I’ll probably end up scaring them off.) Oh, and it’s super hot in my dorm and there’s no AC or fan. Who knew it was so hot in Connecticut in September?

Out for now.

 

Sincerely,

The Anon

Back To School

Oh my god, I am freaking out. School starts next week and I have absolutely nothing prepared. Not even a checklist. And I leave in 3 days on a plane to New York. I still have my medical papers for a physician to fill in! I’d like to think I’m under stressing out because it sounds a lot worse than it is. I’m going to save my 500 page summer reading for the plane, which sounds like a good idea.

This is how I feel right now, but not as cute.

I’m sweating right now and it’s only 16 degrees. I’m being very paranoid, I tell you.

But the good thing is that I’ve managed to write two songs in a day, which usually takes me weeks to do that because I tend to drag it out. Pretty much, that’s the only thing I’m proud of.

Have you ever opened the fridge and it’s empty. Apart from a few juice cartons and food that required to be cooked? That’s me right now. I offered to go grocery shopping with my mom (I really have nothing to do.) so I could get food I like, but then she said that I wasn’t allowed to get “unhealthy foods”. What the flip (okay she was being totally reasonable), but can’t you see I’m dying here? No, probably not. I mean, I look pretty healthy.

Aside from that, my dad just won’t stop yelling. Especially when he’s frustrated, which leads to him losing his temper. I swear, he’s like a time-bomb just waiting to be ticked off.

Okay, whatever. I’m so over it. I have bigger problems to worry about. But I’m going to eat some cherries right now. I love cherries. (See mom? I’m eating healthy.) No, but seriously. I actually do.

 

Sincerely,

The Anon

Sisterhood/Brotherhood of the World Bloggers Award

Wow, so I got nominated by Daniela, so a big thank you to her! Go check out her blog too, she’s super dedicated to it!

Rules of this award

1- Thank the blogger that nominated you and link back to their site.
2- Post the awards logo on your blog.
3- Answer the 10 questions you’ve been set.
4- Set 10 new questions for your nominees.
5- Nominate 10 bloggers

So my answers are:

1- Favourite clothing store?

I don’t have one, honestly all teenage clothing stores are really similar. But if I had to say, I’d choose maybe Hollister (because the smell is amazing) and Forever 21 because my best friend and me used to go there all the time, try on tons of clothes and just buy one from the pile.

2- Piece of clothing you couldn’t live without?

Undergarments. Duh. How uncomfortable would that be? 

3- Celebrity crush?

Dylan O’brien. He is King.

4- Favourite summer tune?

Currently it’s Flawless by The Neighbourhood.

5- Most embarrassing moment of the year?

When I ran across the school field naked. (If you’re thinking ‘really?’ It didn’t happen.) I don’t have a mortifying one I can think of, but I’ll go with the time when my best friend started screaming my name all over the shopping mall. (I found it hilarious actually.)

6- flats or heels?

Sneakers.

7- What made you start your blog?

Me, I did. Well, of course, I mean who else would start my blog? No, but really I write in my journal a lot so I thought, why not share my feelings on the world wide internet, maybe I could be an inspiration.

8- Knees for boobs or boobs for knees?

Penises for fingers. Just joking, but me and my friend had this inside joke where I would ask her if she’d rather have penises for fingers or fingers for penises. Don’t question it.

9- Worst quality in a person?

The point where a person wants attention so much she/he’ll do anything for.

10- Favourite piece of jewelry?

I don’t like jewelry in general. They’re very annoying to maintain and then you have to keep track of them.

Now I’m going to nominate (I’m very aware it says ‘Sisterhood’, but I also have a ‘brotherhood’ of blogs and in no specific order):

Not Ours To Change

The Bloggess

The Howling Fantogs

sothisismyblog (I am allowed to nominate you, right?)

Commas and Ampersands

Highschool 101

A Pretty Penny

(I realize the rules say I have to nominate 10, but I only have 7. So whoops. “Rules are made to be broken”, but just don’t go killing someone now.)

The questions you have answer are:

1. What makes you happy?

2. Why do you blog?

3. Coke or Pepsi? (Choose Coke, Pepsi tastes like poop.)

4. Favorite go-to fast food restaurant. (Starbucks isn’t fast food by the way.)

5. If you could experience one day of fame, would you do it?

6. What TV shows you currently watch?

7. What’s the reason for/the story behind your blog name?

8. What’s one thing you would change if you could go back in time?

9. If you could wish for anything, what would it be? (You can’t wish for infinite wishes, greedy kids.)

10. Which one is better: having the ability to become invisible or to be able to fly?

Good luck with the questions!

Sincerely,

The Anon

We Choose How Much Of The World We Let In

(I took this from a journal entry a few months ago, I’m typing it word by word. No hate, mate.)

 

March 9th, 2014

“Life goes on is a redundancy. Life is defined by its going on. We breathe in the world. We choose how much of the world we let in. We’re like insulators, all of us.” 

I don’t believe we always have a choice. There is always a choice, but that doesn’t mean it’s ours to make. Fate doesn’t exist. It’s just something we say to comfort ourselves when things go wrong, or when they end up the way that makes us happy. But that’s not fate, that’s just the future. (“The future is composed of nows.” Taken from Emily Dickinson’s quote, “Forever is composed of nows.” I prefer mine because it’s just more solid to grasp.) 

So many of us need a huge mistake to right our wrongs, but we should be doing that in the first place. We shouldn’t need a cause for our actions.

Yet we do.

We rely on everything too much. We’re so selfish that we don’t even see that not everything has something to rely on.

Sometimes, it’s okay to let go.

Sometimes, when we care too much, we end up hurting everyone around us. But sometimes, it’s okay to care.

Embrace your fears, control them. The only thing you should fear is fear itself. You are your own downfall.

 

(Yeah, this is kind of dark. If any of you found this even remotely interesting, please do tell me. I have a lot more entries like this and I don’t mind posting them. I find it easier and less stressful to write things on paper. My dad has a friend over at our house and he’s staying with us for a couple days, but he just sits on the couch on his phone all day. Antisocial much? It’s not like I can talk. On with playing guitar now, I’m out.)

 

Sincerely,

The Anon

Wanderlust

Okay, so I’ve been wanting to do this for a while.

wanderlust; a strong desire to travel.

Places I would like to go (in no specific order):

  • Alaska (The reason why is oddly stupid. I’ve been there when I was 7 so I don’t exactly remember everything so I want to go back and re-enjoy the whole experience. Plus, one of my favorite books, ‘Looking for Alaska’, well, the title says it all. Although the book has nothing to do with Alaska except for a name.)
  • Amsterdam (Unknown to me, this is a city of freedom. I’ve always loved the thought of liberation and everything about it so why not? “And in freedom, most people find sin.”)
  • Vienna (Also said to be called “The City of Dreams”. It has a huge music legacy and I just want to stay there and make music. Maybe its legacy will inspire me.)
  • Paris (This is cliché: I want to go there and fall in love, but with the city itself. Even though I never had the best experience with French people, I would just love to go there and enjoy the city with its people.)
  • Greece (Mostly Athens and other cities where Greek mythology runs deepest. When I was a kid I used to love myths, I still do now. I guess it’s the fact that a myth has the possibility of being true, it’s that spark of hope that makes it so daring.)
  • Fiji (Simply because my friends told me it’s amazing.)
  • Pompeii (I’ve been there before but I want to go again. For those who don’t know, there was a huge volcanic eruption and basically everything buried have been preserved because of lack of air and moisture. I just want to go find a quiet place, sit down and write. It sounds weird maybe, but I want to be in the presence of something ancient. If that made sense.)
  • Antarctica (Why Antarctica but not the Arctic? Simple: the South Pole. Well, obviously just not because of that, but I have this childish fantasy of writing Santa a letter and then burying it under the snow. Yeah, like I said, childish.)

 

There are definitely more places I’d like to visit, but these are mostly fantasies because the things I want to do there aren’t exactly worth going there for.

One other thing I’ve always wanted to do is to go on a backpacking trip across Europe with a friend in the Summer. But I’ll probably want to wait until I’m at least 18.

I’m going to Seattle today, the only reason I’m really going is because I have nothing better to do at home. Anyways, I’m out.

 

Sincerely,

The Anon

Online Band Jam

So last year, I had this obsession with bands. Not just listening to them, but I wanted to be in one too.

Who needs a social life when you can have bands?

I did some digging and found this cool, trustworthy website where you could meet people online and start your own band. So I thought, why not? So I signed up and did my whole profile page and everything.

Then, after some time introducing myself and contacting existing bands I got a reply back. They wanted me as their lead singer (I don’t even remember what the band was called). So after a few emails I told the guy I had an original song they could use. I sent him the recording so he and the guys could sort out how to match all the instruments with it.

The result was…not so good. The drums weren’t really in time and the electric guitar covered most of the voices. I kind of cringed when I heard it. Not to be insulting but it was true. Afterwards, I gave them some feedback and they said that we could try again. So I wrote them another song, one that was more upbeat. The result still wasn’t impressive. The band just drifted apart after that and I haven’t gotten in contact with them since.

But then, a few months ago I stumbled across this guy’s Soundcloud account and realized he was an old bandmate. I looked through his profile and I found the song we did together but instead, it was just him. I felt used and somehow insulted at that point because he didn’t mention anything and took all the credit for himself and listed the song as ‘his’. That song didn’t happen to be one of my proudest ones so I decided not to make a deal out of it and let it go. But truth is, it still sucks because I spent time and effort on it.

The song, called ‘Winter Wonderland’, (no, it’s not a Christmas song) was originally dedicated to a friend who passed away a year ago. So it meant something to me. However, that’s all in the past now and I have no idea what even inspired me to write all of this. Maybe it’s the fact that I’ve still got interest in this ‘band stuff’. I actually spend too much time on the internet, (this I know as a fact) so I come across knowing a lot of people online. The thing is with the online world is that you never know when people come and go, they could be here today and gone tomorrow; they could be who they say they are or someone else completely. But at the end of the day, they might just think they same about you too.

(Hey, I just realized I used an Eminem lyric in that last paragraph.)

Sincerely,

The Anon

Happy Little Pill

I finally did it: uploaded my first Youtube video.

Now I just have continue doing it. That’s going to be a challenge.

Basically what I did was a cover of Happy Little Pill by Troye Sivan. It’s my favorite song at the moment, so I thought, why not? But like everything I’ve done in the past year, I might end up giving it up.

I hope I don’t.

Anyway, talk about stressful. I’ve got a week to finish my summer reading, which I haven’t even started yet and I’ve got to finish my doctor’s check up and forms for my new school.

My new school looks great actually. But the only thing I’m having a problem with is the dress code. It’s formal, which basically means nothing in my wardrobe suits it. I have to go shopping. One thing I hate doing is shopping for clothes for a purpose. It’s almost impossible to find what you’re looking for.

You ever see something when you don’t need it, but then when you’re looking for it, it’s nowhere to be seen? Yeah, that’s my experience so far with school clothes. I have zero pieces of clothing for school.

So, my parents are shipping me off to this preppy boarding school in the US. I lived in China before all of this and now I’m halfway around the world. Before I was in China, I was here in Canada. Now I ditched my home in China and my ‘home’ is in Canada, but it doesn’t even feel like home. It’s just a house. I miss all my friends back at the International School I went to. See the thing with International Schools is that people come and go. I bet once I get back a few years later most of my friends would have probably already left. Not only did I ditched my home, I ditched my friends too.

I feel like I dropped everything to go to a place I’m not even sure I’m going to fit in. I hope it’s damn near worth it.

Sincerely,

The Anon