journal

Paper World

(Another extract from my journal.)

July 12th, 2014 (Canadian time zone)

The world is too big. So many faces I’ve seen, but I won’t even remember half of them.

We care so much about how people view us as, we forget to enjoy ourselves in the process. I try, I really do. But it’s been this way for so long, it’s hard to walk away and start again. But once you leave, it’s the best feeling in the world.

Sometimes I can’t help but wonder – am I a paper girl? Are we living in a paper world? We judge everyone’s appearances so much. Some deny it, but it’s something that just can’t be helped. Once we see someone do something we deem as unworthy, we give them an unworthy label, even if we have no idea about the person’s story. It’s programmed into us. And as the older we get, we forget that they’re human too, with thoughts and feelings. We focus on ourselves, because we are foreign, we feel foreign in other people’s shoes; and it’s all just too much for us. We are not fearless, we will never be; but some of us can be courageous.

That’s pretty much it. As you can see, I’m not exactly a happy person in my journal. But then, who are we to judge anyways? We all have our reasons in which we think it’s the right thing, or some of us are just too lost in the moment to realize. We’re to blame anyways, some may disagree, but as long as you’re involved, some part of you is to blame for what has happened. Because without you there, the event may not have occurred as it has. We will never know, and let’s hope we never find out. We cannot hide the truth forever. So do one thing today, tell someone, anyone, one truth that you have been worrying about. Whether it’s big or small, it might just lift up the weight off your shoulders.

Sincerely,

The Anon

Back To School

Oh my god, I am freaking out. School starts next week and I have absolutely nothing prepared. Not even a checklist. And I leave in 3 days on a plane to New York. I still have my medical papers for a physician to fill in! I’d like to think I’m under stressing out because it sounds a lot worse than it is. I’m going to save my 500 page summer reading for the plane, which sounds like a good idea.

This is how I feel right now, but not as cute.

I’m sweating right now and it’s only 16 degrees. I’m being very paranoid, I tell you.

But the good thing is that I’ve managed to write two songs in a day, which usually takes me weeks to do that because I tend to drag it out. Pretty much, that’s the only thing I’m proud of.

Have you ever opened the fridge and it’s empty. Apart from a few juice cartons and food that required to be cooked? That’s me right now. I offered to go grocery shopping with my mom (I really have nothing to do.) so I could get food I like, but then she said that I wasn’t allowed to get “unhealthy foods”. What the flip (okay she was being totally reasonable), but can’t you see I’m dying here? No, probably not. I mean, I look pretty healthy.

Aside from that, my dad just won’t stop yelling. Especially when he’s frustrated, which leads to him losing his temper. I swear, he’s like a time-bomb just waiting to be ticked off.

Okay, whatever. I’m so over it. I have bigger problems to worry about. But I’m going to eat some cherries right now. I love cherries. (See mom? I’m eating healthy.) No, but seriously. I actually do.

 

Sincerely,

The Anon

We Choose How Much Of The World We Let In

(I took this from a journal entry a few months ago, I’m typing it word by word. No hate, mate.)

 

March 9th, 2014

“Life goes on is a redundancy. Life is defined by its going on. We breathe in the world. We choose how much of the world we let in. We’re like insulators, all of us.” 

I don’t believe we always have a choice. There is always a choice, but that doesn’t mean it’s ours to make. Fate doesn’t exist. It’s just something we say to comfort ourselves when things go wrong, or when they end up the way that makes us happy. But that’s not fate, that’s just the future. (“The future is composed of nows.” Taken from Emily Dickinson’s quote, “Forever is composed of nows.” I prefer mine because it’s just more solid to grasp.) 

So many of us need a huge mistake to right our wrongs, but we should be doing that in the first place. We shouldn’t need a cause for our actions.

Yet we do.

We rely on everything too much. We’re so selfish that we don’t even see that not everything has something to rely on.

Sometimes, it’s okay to let go.

Sometimes, when we care too much, we end up hurting everyone around us. But sometimes, it’s okay to care.

Embrace your fears, control them. The only thing you should fear is fear itself. You are your own downfall.

 

(Yeah, this is kind of dark. If any of you found this even remotely interesting, please do tell me. I have a lot more entries like this and I don’t mind posting them. I find it easier and less stressful to write things on paper. My dad has a friend over at our house and he’s staying with us for a couple days, but he just sits on the couch on his phone all day. Antisocial much? It’s not like I can talk. On with playing guitar now, I’m out.)

 

Sincerely,

The Anon